Online Dating Tip #1: Clean Your F'ing Room

Pretty much everyone who's ever tried online dating has found themselves with a list - some longer than others - of dealbreakers that they apply to every profile they read. Some people list them in their profile (which is, for others, a dealbreaker in itself), others just keep it in the back of their mind, and use it to weed out certain types of people. Then again, some of us blog about it. That's probably a dealbreaker for others. It's a vicious cycle.

I digress.

Your photos are probably the most important part of your profile. They're the first thing anyone's going to look at, and you can tell a lot about what someone thinks of themself, and how they live their life by the photos they choose for their profile. Oh look, she travels a lot, but only to all-inclusive resorts. Seven pictures of herself in the mirror, all in the same outfit. She lives her life striking awkward poses in tiny dresses in nightclubs. You get the idea.

I'm always amused by the amount of photos that are uploaded where nobody is conscious of what's in the background. Two of the more famous examples:

OK, now these are extreme examples, but the point is valid. No matter how sexy and alluring you think you're being, your surroundings are un-doing all of your good work. Our blonde MILF on the right's room looks like a laundromat threw up on her floor to boot.

So, if you're going to take the time to strip down to your underpants and try 12 different self-pic angles in order to find the one that captures just how sexy Instagram can make you look, take the time to clean your room first. Just sayin'.

Good luck out there.

"I'm quitting facebook"

Ever had one of those moments on a date where someone says or does something that just flips a switch in your brain, and you go from "I totally would" to "Only if she paid me" in a split second?

It was a beautiful spring afternoon in the city. I'd spent the better part of the day at the Jays' game, then meandered up to one of my least favourite neighbourhoods downtown to meet this lovely lady for a patio beverage. The venue of choice was Hey Lucy, a typical entertainment district restaurant that caters to the pre- and post- theatre crowd. It also has a leafy, shaded rooftop patio, and a safe bet for a first date.

The lady was a super pretty, bubbly 29 year old with a good job in sales, sparkly blue eyes, and a love for exploring the city. We met up outside, and I was a little flabbergasted by how well the little black summer dress she was wearing fit her. I made a conscious effort not to stare, while my internal monologue told me "Don't look her up and down... don't look her up and down... don't look her up and down" over and over. I'm a gentleman after all. I'll look when she's not paying attention.

Craft beer for me, vodka soda for her. Small talk about work, the city, our weekends, and food. Second round was caesars. I confessed my hangover, she confessed hers. Conversation flows easier. We're past the nervousness now. Talk about hopes for the future, and what we want to be if we grow up. Some flirting. Lingering eye contact. She fidgeted with her hair as she talked.

This date was shortly after Facebook made its IPO, and the world was abuzz about it. I mentioned the graffiti artist who stood to make $200 million after he accepted shares in exchange for painting a wall in their headquarters when they were a startup.

What happened next shocked and saddened me.

"I think I'm going to quit Facebook," says she.

"Oh? Why's that?" says I.

"Well, they're getting rid of privacy settings."

"What do you mean? I hadn't heard that." I was a little alarmed, and wondering if this change might spell the end of my not-so-illustrious time on Facebook.

"There's going to be no more privacy settings. I heard they're going public."

Silence...

I could only sit and blink in confusion. Was this a joke? Was she fucking with me? Was I on a hidden camera show? This is an educated, urbane, socially aware woman. This had to be a joke.

I laughed. "Oh, I thought you were serious for a second."

Now she looked confused. "I am serious. I don't want just anyone to be able to go through my profile."

Switch: flipped.


The date may have lasted another half hour or so, but it was over before it ended.